


Hold on to Me, 'Cuz I'm a Little Unsteady

by enjolrascore



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec has anxiety issues it's a fact, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Healthy Conversations, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 18:15:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6577270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enjolrascore/pseuds/enjolrascore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec has social anxiety and Magnus throws a party. Things don't go well.<br/>Set somewhere soon after their COFA trip, but you can decide exactly when.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold on to Me, 'Cuz I'm a Little Unsteady

**Author's Note:**

> I've been pushing the headcanon that Alec has social anxiety (among other anxiety disorders) for about three years now, and I finally wrote this. Hope you enjoy :)

Alec could do this, he really could. It was just a party, and Magnus was so excited about it, so he had to do this. At least, that’s what Alec had been telling himself for the past two days. Parties made him uncomfortable; he didn’t really like crowds and interacting with new people, but he didn’t want to let Magnus down. The party was in a few hours, and Magnus couldn’t stop talking about it.

“You’re going to have so much fun, Alexander, I think you’ll like some of my colleagues.” He said, changing some of the light fixtures with a flick of his fingers.

“Yeah, I can’t wait either.” Alec lied, fidgeting with his sweater sleeves, “How many people did you invite, anyway?”

“I only invited about twenty people, but people usually tell their friends, so I’m not sure how many people will show up. Did you invite anyone?”

Alec mentally kicked himself; he should’ve invited Izzy, “No, I didn’t think to.”

“Okay, more time for mingling. Why don’t we start getting ready, Love? I think I’m done with the decorations.”

Alec just nodded, letting Magnus lead him out of the now dimly lit and colorfully decorated living room. Magnus started flipping through his clothes, trying to find something acceptable for the both of them to wear. Alec took the spare time to try and calm his nerves, knowing that people would be arriving soon and that he couldn’t be as jumpy as he was. He stared at one spot on the floor and practiced some of the breathing exercises Magnus taught him when they were on vacation, absentmindedly fiddling with his sleeves.

“I’m assuming no sequins, right?” Magnus asked over his shoulder, a hint of laughter in his voice.

Alec groaned, “Please no, I’ll beg.”

“As much as I would love to hear you beg, there is no need. Try this.” Magnus replied, handing him a tight fitting blue t-shirt.

Alec took it and quickly changed, tossing his own shirt onto the bed. He watched as Magnus nodded in approval and turned back to his wardrobe, picking out a very flashy shirt and tight leather pants for himself. Alec looked away respectfully, allowing Magnus to change in private.

“You can look, I think we’re at that point.” Magnus teased.

“I just didn’t want you to think I’m trying to spy on you while you undress.”

Magnus walked over and stood in front of Alec, “I wouldn’t blame you if you were.”

Alec just shook his head and leaned in for a kiss. Magnus smiled into the kiss and moved his hand to the back of Alec’s neck, pulling him in closer. Just as Alec moved to pull Magnus’ body close the buzzer went off, signalling that people were starting to arrive.

“We can continue later, time to be a good host.” Magnus sighed, pulling back and going to get the door.

The first people to arrive was a group of werewolves, pouring into the flat in a flurry of conversation. One of them was carrying two bottles of unknown alcohol, waving the bottles at Magnus and then making his way over to the bar.

“You in charge of the liquor tonight, Aiden?” Magnus asked, clicking his fingers and starting up some music that could only be described as gentle electronic.

“You know it! Where are your glasses?” The werewolf replied, setting down the liquor on the counter.

Instead of telling him, Magnus just opened the cabinet and grabbed them. Alec stood back as the rest of the group charged the bar, all getting glasses of something. Alec wasn’t much of a drinker, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t looking forward to when the beer would get there. More people waltzed into the flat, since Magnus had just left the door open, the majority of them carrying liquor.

“Oh, getting the party started, I see!” Magnus commented, laughing as the various bottles and cans were set down on the bar.

“Trying to; turn on some music we can dance to, Magnus!” Aiden yelled over the chatter of the others.

Again Magnus clicked his fingers, and the gentle electronic turned into full on club music. A few people cheered, moving to the middle of the living room that had since turned into a dance floor. As time progressed, more and more people arrived; mostly seelies, and werewolves. The party started getting very crowded and Magnus finally slammed his door shut, making it so no one else could come in randomly. Alec grabbed one of the beer bottles and drank it slowly, as Magnus pulled him from person to person. Every person was slightly tipsy and very loud, some of them slightly invasive.

“Hey,” A drunk seelie approached the couple, “how do you two even work? I mean shadowhunters are so _tame_.”

Magnus just laughed, as Alec stuttered and looked for the closest escape route. “We figure it out just fine, Acantha.” Magnus giggled, gently setting a hand on Alec’s back.

“I need more beer.” Alec muttered, wandering off toward the kitchen.

He ran into Aiden on his way, silently hoping that he wouldn’t start a conversation. Sadly, Alec didn’t have the best luck.

“So,” Aiden started, “how are you enjoying the mess that is this party?”

“It’s a little overwhelming. I don’t really like parties.” Alec admitted.

Aiden nodded, leaning against the counter and putting his hands in his pockets, taking Alec in. “I understand. Have you met anyone interesting?”

“I did have a Seelie ask Magnus and I about how we have sex, that was pretty interesting.” Alec said sarcastically, peeling at the label on his empty beer bottle.

“Let me guess, Acantha?”

“How did you know?”

“I’ve had the joy of being around her at another one of your boyfriend’s parties. She has a way with words. Be warned, she’s not the only one that’s nosey as all hell.”

Alec suddenly felt his panic spike; what the hell was that supposed to mean? More people are going to just ask him questions at random?

He must have looked strange, because Aiden looked concerned. “Are you okay, man?”

“Um, yeah, I’m fine. Have you seen Magnus?” Alec choked out.

“Last I checked he was mingling, but I don’t see him. Are you sure you’re alright? You look kinda sick.”

“Yeah, no, I’m alright. I’m just gonna go to the bathroom.” Alec stuttered, before running off.

Alec all but bolted to the bathroom, locking himself in and sitting on the cold tile floor. He tried to regulate his breathing, but it didn’t seem to help. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, staring at the tile floor, before he heard a knock on the door.

“Alexander?” Magnus’ voice came from the other side of the door, “Are you okay? Aiden told me you were acting weird and then ran off. Will you let me in?”

Alec pulled himself off the floor, unlocking the door so Magnus could slip in. Magnus looked him up and down before his expression turned to one of concern. He recognized anxious Alec when he saw it.

“Alec what’s going on? What’s wrong?”

“There’s just too many people, it’s so loud in here. I can’t breathe. Too many people, Magnus.” Alec muttered, his eyes darting around the room.

Magnus put his hands on Alec’s shoulders, “That’s okay, we can fix that. Just cover your ears, and stay here for a moment, Love.”

Magnus opened the door, stepping out slightly so everyone could see him. He snapped his fingers and the front door banged open.

“Everyone out, now!” He yelled, using his High Warlock voice.

The party goers grumbled, but still filed out. A few of them gave him and Alec weird looks, but still left none-the-less.

Aiden stopped in front of Magnus, “Is everything okay? Is there anything I can do?”

“No, but thank you. Everything should be fine. Close the door on your way out?” Magnus whispered, trying not to draw anymore attention to the situation.

Aiden nodded and waited until everyone was out before leaving, closing the door quietly behind him. Magnus turned around and felt his heart clench when he saw Alec sitting on the ground, hands still over his ears and tears running down his cheeks. He knelt in front of the shadowhunter, gently pulling his hands away from his ears, keeping a firm hold on his hands.

“Alec, you can uncover your ears now. Are you with me?”

Alec took in a large breath, “Yeah, I’m fine, I’m fine.”

“Don’t lie to me, please, I can’t help if you lie to me.” Magnus called him out, “What went wrong, tonight?”

“I can’t, I don’t, please Magnus-” Alec was cut off by his own rapid breathing.

“Shh, it’s okay, Love. Just focus on me for a moment, okay? Focus on my voice. I’m just going to talk to you, and I want you to focus on that, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Have I ever told you how much I love you? Because I really do. You’re so strong, and good, and gentle; you make my heart melt. It’s like you’re amazing at everything you do. You’re an amazing brother, amazing shadowhunter, beyond amazing boyfriend and lover. And I have all of you to myself, can you believe that? I have the one and only Alexander Gideon Lightwood all to myself; I must be the luckiest warlock in the world.” Magnus rambled as he felt Alec’s breathing even out and his hands relax in Magnus’.

“Magnus, I literally just had a mild panic attack on your bathroom floor, I’m not amazing.” Alec protested, freeing a hand and wiping at the tears on his cheeks.

“That is where you are wrong, my dear Alexander. Why don’t we get you some water, and then you can tell me what went wrong?”

Alec nodded and let Magnus pull him off of the ground, escorting him to the kitchen. He poured Alec a glass of water, before crossing his arms and leaning against the countertop. He gave Alec a moment to compose himself.

“I’m sorry, Magnus.” Alec broke the silence.

“For what? You didn’t do anything.” Magnus asked, genuinely confused.

“I ruined your party, and you were so excited. I just feel so bad.”

“Alec, you didn’t ruin anything. Your safety and comfort come before any party I could ever throw, no matter how excited I am for it. I love you, Alec, don’t forget that.”

Alec just nodded, nervously running his finger along the rim of the glass in his hands.

“Are you ready to tell me what happened?” Magnus pressed, “It just seemed like one second you were fine, and the next second Aiden was telling me you had locked yourself in the bathroom.”

“I just...meeting new people scares me, and so does talking to people one-on-one. Crowds make me really nervous, too, and this was one of the most crowded parties you’ve thrown, that I’ve been here for. It was just too much.” Alec explained, avoiding eye contact.

“Alec...Alec, do you have social anxiety?”

“I haven’t really thought about it. I always assumed I was just awkward.”

Magnus shook his head, “No, I don’t think that’s it. I just thought that the panic attacks and issues with crowds, while we were on vacation, were because you were still in mourning, but I’m starting to reconsider. Have you always been nervous meeting new people, and talking to them alone?”

Alec just shrugged, “For as long as I can remember. I remember dreading going to Idris, when I was little, because that meant I would have to talk to all these people and be the poster child for a normal family. I would always cry the night before, when no one was around.”

“And you’ve never thought that maybe you could have social anxiety? Alec, this isn’t just awkwardness, this is something that should be taken seriously.”

“I don’t know anything about it, Magnus. It would be considered a weakness, by other shadowhunters, and weaknesses aren’t exactly something we strive to think about.”

Magnus groaned, shadowhunter customs would be the death of him, “Alexander, it’s not a weakness, it’s just something that I need to be aware of. We need to set boundaries and talk about this. I need you to feel comfortable around me.”

“I do feel comfortable around you!” Alec exclaimed, slightly frantic, finally making eye contact. “I just don’t like the crowds and the loud noise.”

“And that’s what we need to talk about! You need to tell me if you start feeling anxious, in any situation. I don’t care where we are, or who we’re with, I care about you. Can you tell me what makes you panic?”

Alec thought for a moment before responding, “Talking to people, just one right after another, especially when they ask invasive questions. I also don’t like loud noises mixed with large crowds. However, mingling with invasive people is my nightmare.”

“Okay, no more mingling. Do you even like the parties, Alec? Or are you just saying you do so I won’t be upset?”

“Well...they aren’t exactly my favorite thing.” Alec admitted.

“Alec!” Magnus exclaimed, gesturing wildly with one of his hands.

“I’m sorry! You just love them so much, I don’t want to disappoint you. I have fun when I get drunk.” Alec offered.

“You shouldn’t have to be under the influence of anything in order to enjoy my parties. It does help, but it shouldn’t be the only thing keeping you from running. You should’ve told me; parties aren’t the only way we can have fun, you know.”

Alec sighed, looking down at the floor, “I know, I just didn’t know how to tell you. I kept thinking you’d get mad at me, or something.”

“Why would I be mad at you? You can’t help your anxiety.” Goddamn shadowhunter customs.

“Because, parties are, like, your favorite thing!”

“No, Alec, you are my favorite thing. Why else would I kick out an apartment full of people, just because it was upsetting you? Why would it sit on the bathroom floor and tell you how amazing you are ? It’s probably because I love you.”

“I love you, too” Alec whispered, peering at Magnus through his lashes.

There was a moment of silence, before Magnus spoke up. “What do you say, we get into our pajamas and watch a movie? I can get us ice cream.”

“That sounds like a good plan. It better be chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, though.” Alec giggled, walking toward the bedroom.

“What other flavor would I get?” Magnus joked, following him.

Alec quickly stripped out of his party clothes and changed into sweatpants, handing the shirt back to Magnus. Magnus hung it back up in his wardrobe, just snapping his fingers to change into his pajamas.

He turned back to Alec, hand outstretched, “Shall we?”

Alec took his hand, “We shall.”

Magnus led him to the couch, magicking up the ice cream and a spoon so Alec could get started on it while he popped in the movie. He sat down next to Alec, cuddling into his side and tangling their legs together. He pressed a kiss to Alec’s cheek, using the distraction to snag the spoon away from him.

This was better than any party Magnus could throw, anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> Major s/o to by wonderful beta, Synnøve (@vettkje on tumblr, check her out!), because she made this story so much better. This probably would've been very tedious without her help, so major props to her.  
> Come scream at me on tumblr @enjolrascore!


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